Today has been hard
Today has been difficult
Today I have been feeling lonely
I consistently remind myself of how long it has been since I’ve held a kiss to these lips.
But certain kisses I remember in great detail.
It was a night unlike any other. Although it was more than a year ago. I was in a dark room with starlight flooding in through the windows. This was the night I suppose they would call it the foursome happened.
I was in the kitchen there were party snacks all around yet still somehow everything was neat, orderly and prepared in a fashion. The neatness was strange and I didn’t like it, I was looking around trying to figure out how something I strive to achieve could be so ugly, straight forward and bland.
My ex-boyfriend was finding reasons to sleep in the room we were given for the night. David and John (no, not their real names) were screwing around in the other room, their bedroom.
As me and my ex-boyfriend were both guests I tried to keep quite although I was trying to imagine what was going on in there, of course.
I took a drink of my glass and quickly released that it was still mixed with alcohol (a lot!) and I perhaps should have remembered this.
David came out of the room, he looked at me. His eyes were shinning, in a particular way (no this wasn’t drugs). He looked at me, but he also had that boy-like shyness.
I love shy boys. I could tell he liked me, but at the same time, I was thinking about how he was engaged to the guy in the other room. Everything that night made little sense.
I just looked back at him hoping that he was just say something, confirm that he liked me and this strange connection existed (well I suppose not so strange we knew we were both gay).
David – do you want to talk?
Me – sure
I should probably clarify the hidden context of what I just said. I never say “sure” unless I’m hiding something or stupid attracted to someone, and it was definitely the second. I mean his blue eyes, his spiked redish hair, and the feeling that sharing this moment was against the rules. “Sure” really meant I can’t think of anything else to say so I am saying something easy and readily available, please continue taking I am memorizing every moment.
We moved out of the apartment, steps away from where we had been. We were in the laundry room.
David – so what did you like most about tonight?
Me – kissing your neck… and making you moan.
Following this he just kind of looked in my direction so I was spending the time after I said that trying to figure out what I had said and if I had said it wrong.
David – well I really liked that part –
He moved over next to me and sort of gave a bit more than a peck on my cheek.
Everything about this was wrong… his fiancé was in the other room and so was my then boyfriend, but I wanted him…
As he stepped backward from landing that kiss I moved forward to him, grasped his neck, just as I did before when I kissed him there during the “foursome”.
But this time I kissed him on the cheek.
These moments were intimate but didn’t make much sense to me.
After a few more words were exchanged I returned to the kitchen with him, he went back to his fiancé and I ate some chips and returned to my ex-boyfriend.
I suppose the what ifs make me wonder the most about this.